I don't quite know where it came from. I was in a good mood when I woke up. Duncan and Cordie have been good - not overly fussy or acting out, but mid-morning today I kind of slipped over the edge into being a bad Mom.
We've had this ongoing problem with ants. I'll blame it on them. I was cleaning the kitchen and noticed some in the kitchen. Oh yesterday the pest control fellow came out and sprayed our back yard, but said it will take a few days before we know how well it worked and they will likely try and find some other way into the house. Anyhow, I noticed they were coming out of the utility closet. So I locked the gate to the living room and started emptying the closet floor out so I could figure out where they were etc... well while I was doing this Duncan was getting more and more worked up. He wanted out. He wanted in the kitchen. I don't blame him, b/c he was locked in the living room, but I wanted to get this ant thing taken care of before I let him out. Anyhow, he was just screaming at me and so I said something not nice to him. It wasn't anything really horrible, but I have never ever let my mood get the best of my like that before while dealing with him. Sure I've been frustrated with him before, and lost my temper, but this was different.
I apologized to him right away, but at this point it's raining out, the ants are coming all over the place, he's screaming and crying at me, and I'm literally on the phone to Bill sobbing. I was just crying I was so frustrated. I want these ants gone. I don't want something like that to upset me so much I take it out on my kids. It wasn't Duncan's fault there were ants. And then b/c I couldn't get rid of them all I had to use Raid, and then although it was in another room I got even more upset I just sprayed Raid in my house with two young children.
Bill did what he could from work to settle me down, but even as I type this I'm just so angry with myself. I called Ronnie, and true enough my best friend just laughed and said "honey I've been there" and I knew I had to hear her say that. And Theresa was over later and reassured me that she'd been there more than once too, but I feel really crappy about the whole thing.
Yes I know hormones and a distinct lack of sleep contribute too, but it still sucks.
You know my husband is awesome and my kids are awesome, but at one point I thought I wanted more children. I could see us with more kids, and I could see myself being able to take care of more kids and handle that. Now, I think I was totally kidding myself. Kudos to my friends who do have more. Not that we were thinking of more anyhow, I'm happy with two, but this just confirms to me that two is a good place to stop.